Friday, February 1, 2019
PYB Health Hero Series: Running my way through grief
In 2013 while pregnant with my second child, my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer. She had been sick for a couple of months and time after time was misdiagnosed by doctors. Then in the March a few weeks before my due date, we were told she was very sick. I think my whole world was turned upside down when my dad sat me down to explain.
I was 9 months pregnant at the time, it should have been the happiest time of my life but it had turned into a complete nightmare. I tried everything possible to get the baby out so I could be more useful and help with my mum. The midwives tried all sorts to get me to go into labour naturally quicker but no, the baby was too high up. Apparently I was too stressed and tense and in the words of the midwife “Had sucked the baby up higher and there was no moving him”. So I had a sick mother that I could barely help because I was the size of a beached whale and a baby that I had managed to trap inside my body. Honestly, I was done. I had never felt so useless.
My Gorgeous Little Boy Was Born
On April the 21st my gorgeous little boy was born. My mum had planned to be there with me but due to her being so ill, she couldn’t even come into the hospital. And when I was allowed home she couldn’t even hold him for long because she was so weak. I was absolutely heartbroken.
So there I was with a newborn baby and a very poorly mum, I had no idea what to do. I had health visitors checking on me every day and MacMillan nurses turning up at my mum’s “to chat”. I know they were trying their best to be helpful but I felt like the walls were coming in on me. Day after day became the same. I needed to escape.
And that’s when I started running. I ran and I ran and I ran until it hurt. And on each run I would cry and cry and cry until I had nothing left in me. And it felt really good. I felt free. Free of everything that was going on. It only lasted as long as the run did but in those minutes I was able to breathe, I was able to just be me and I was able to forget what was happening at home.
My Mum Got Sicker
Now I’m not saying running will make everything better, because of course it doesn’t. My Mum got sicker and sicker and in the October she passed away. I was absolutely devastated. I couldn’t talk about it, I didn’t have time to. I had a baby, my oldest little boy and my dad to look after. My only time to myself was when I went running. It was then that I had time to grieve. I would think about my mum, listen to her favourite Motown songs and even have conversations with her. I would cry uncontrollably.
Is Running The Best Way To Deal With Grief?
Obviously it’s down to the individual, everyone will have their own way to deal with things. I’m not sure about the science behind it all but it definitely did something to help me. And I’m not alone, lots of people I’ve met while running have told a similar tale. How running had helped them through difficult situations. That’s why I set up #JustRunPenybont with my friends Stephne and Jamie Puddy, it’s a social running group where people can go to run for fun, to make friends, to vent about their day or to escape their worries for a bit. We have groups for all abilities and because it’s a social group there is no pressure to run faster or further than you’re comfortable with. Its about keeping active and running for your own wellbeing not finish times.
Obviously I will never ever get over losing my mum and I will never stop grieving for her. But running saved me from a dark place, it gave me the ability to move forward. And I know that every time I achieve something, like doing my first marathon last year, my mum was right there watching over me, super proud.
Well done Emma, your story is so inspirational.
If Emma's story has affected you, you can also find more information on local bereavement support here. If you have a ‘PYB Health Hero’ story to share of someone in our Bridgend community who has made a difference to their health and wellbeing email us, we would love to share their story.